These things will change

I use lots of song titles for my blog titles. I have never been one to try and make up something clever on my own when someone else already did a fantastic job of it. I just steal it like a pirate.

The inspiration for this post came about because yesterday was a very girly day. I just broke down. I usually don't lose it (or, as Shana says, I don't talk about my feelings), but yesterday I guess my eyes decided to make sure that the tear ducts were functioning properly. All. freaking. day. Usually, I don't mind shedding a few tears in front of people, but yesterday I was a faucet.

It started with the death of a dream. I have been working towards grad school for years. Many of the things I have done, I did for the sole purpose to help me get into graduate school. Internships, research groups, classes, jobs, and networking... all for gaining a higher degree. But I cannot pass the Physics GRE. Well, I just haven't done it yet, and I do not know if I can.

Yesterday I came to the realization that maybe I'm not supposed to go to graduate school. Maybe school stops for me next April. Maybe I should get another bachelor's degree. Maybe I should keep trying to pass the PhysGRE. Maybe I should go to cooking school. Maybe I should join the circus.

Ultimately, I decided to not think about it right now. My decision is to not make a decision. Emotionally, I'm too close to the problem to figure out a good solution. Spiritually, I actually am learning a lot about trust and faith. Especially trust. And I really really like that. Surprisingly.

Anyway, yesterday all of this came to a head. I have been avoiding dealing with it for so long, that it all finally came out in this big, horrible, mess. I felt like the only thing holding me together was a prayer and sheer force of will.

So, yesterday was a girly day. I needed a guy to hug me and tell me everything would be ok. Even if it isn't true, I needed it very much. But I always hate hate hate asking someone to do that. And it can't be a girl to hug me, because I feel like I make girls feel sad when I am sad, and I don't like that. Guys seem to not be affected, and I really like that.

After a long day, a good friend came, and he helped me. And I was cured. And I didn't even have to ask, because Someone Else already knew, and He likes to take care of me.

I think that somehow everything will be ok. I know there are more days ahead of me where I will need to grieve for the death of this, my most favorite dream ever.... But it will be ok.

"Oh, the power to be strong,

And the wisdom to be wise,

All these things will come to you in time."